An Evening with Rock, 20/20 Edition.

Good evening, and welcome to another addition of "An Evening with Rock", we are glad you tuned in this evening. Tonight Rock will tackle a few hard hitting topics, including how to make scary animal faces, why plastic is evil, how to properly enjoy bathtime and how to look cute in various picture settings. I'm your host, Rock England, and I'm just chillin' by a fire.
First off tonight, there is an alarming paucity of scary animal faces being made by children these days. Is this a ploy by the teddy bear industry to make us believe that all animals are cute and cuddly so that they can train bears to come down from the mountains and devour us all? Rock tackles this issue in "Cuddly Animals, Scary Intentions".
How do you keep children and parents from being devoured by evil trained bears sent down from the mountains? You have to act super scary and frighten them away. Rock shows how this is done.
Experts universally agree that you have to get the sharp claw action going to aid in the frightening power of the scary face. And it is imperative that you bare your sharp fangs and teeth. Evil trained bears from the mountains hate that.
So, are teddy bear companies training evil bears to come down from the mountains and take over our civilization so that they can drive our awesome cars and eat at our sweet restaurants? No man can say for sure, but yes.
Is plastic an evil ploy by HONEY MAID, overbearing mothers and their minions to keep awesome little toddlers from enjoying the deliciousness? Rock investigates in "Sweet Crackers, Bitter Intentions".
It's every little toddler's dream to wonder into the kitchen while his mother is tired or sleeping or distracted or inebriated from watching too much sports and find the delicious graham crackers.
But the little boy's dreams are soon shattered when he realizes that the bad people at the Honey Maid factory have entombed the wonderful crackers in a casket of impenetrable plastic. Why would they do this to little toddlers that only want to put that goodness in them? What kind of diabolical conspiracy is this?

Curse you plastic! Curse you all!!

So why would Honey Maid and overbearing mothers conspire to cover wonderful graham crackers in plastic? Its hard to say, since you can't calculate the mind of mothers. No one can.
Next on tonight's show, millions of people around the world try to relax by taking soothing baths. But way to often people aren't bathing the right way. The candle and bubble industry would have you believe that you can't relax without candles and bubbles, but Rock shows that is all part of their plan to take over the bathtub market in "Awash in sales".

The International Council on Baths and Relaxation has found that candles have a counteractive effect on relaxation. The simple act of lighting dozens and dozens of candles causes people to become tight and completely stressed from trying to delicately light tiny little gay candles. The ICBR has also found that bubbles also keep people from relaxing because they get all clingy and remind mothers and fathers of their clinging, whiny and obnoxious children that never lay off.
But the bubble and candle industries have staged a large and completely successful campaign to promote their products in movies and TV shows. But Rock cuts through the wax and lather to show the keys to a relaxing, fun and rejuvenating bath.
First thing you need to do, according to bathing expert Dr. Johan M. Eckleburg from the Swedish Academy of Bathtime Sciences, is to make sure you have a bathtub. To many people try to relax in bathtubs that aren't really bathtubs, like sinks, barrels and septic tanks. But Dr. Eckleburg warns that these things prevent one from relaxing and may even cause side effects of getting poked with a dirty fork, getting caught in the line of fire of people trying to shoot fish and the groudy-ness of septic tanks.
Dr. Eckleburg has also found that you need to splash and smile your heart out. Splashing has a relaxing effect as it allows you to be destructive without really destroying anything. People like destroying anything, but Dr. Harry N. Inglaterra will tell you that it leaves the unfortunate pain of kicking a stud instead of just the drywall on the wall.


Another suggestion from Dr. Inglaterra is to try and see what colors you can make the water, and how many bubble you can make 'naturally' without soap. He recommends using La Tiara refried beans about two to four hours before your bath for optimum and maximum bubble making capacity.



The final thing is to cuddle up in a warm, soft towel and be held by a loved one.
Oh, one more thing, try not to think about the fact that everytime Mommy give you a bath you end up alone in a dark room in a padded cage with bars on all sides until you cry yourself to sleep. That just might undo everything that you've accomplished by properly taking a bath.
Thank you for spending time with 'An Evening with Rock"', we leave you tonight with a montage from Rocks latest assignments.

Thank you for watching. Good Evening, and good night. You stay classy Davenport!!

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Any rebroadcast or dissemination of this without the express written consent of Rock England is prohibited. That means that implied oral consent is not good enough!!